Everything is fine in the Vatican: A fervent 54 feminists have been unleashed from the seventh circle of hell to attend the four week assembly at the Paul VI audience hall. It’s the first time women have ever voted in a synod of bishops (about time). They seem to be bravely whining to the cardinals that the hall room’s temperature is eerily cold among other inaudible babbling and shrieks.
One of our journalists here at Top Insights News Network was able to get a hold of Francis and ask what all the hub bub’s about. While holding back a large villainous grin he shrugged saying “Society’s may fall when women are given power, but we admire how Western Civilization became globalized when women got a vote at the ballot box, and think the Church can learn by example. A friend of the world, is a friend of God… or something.”
Among other things, he explained how if they want to really see big change, discussion must be kept oblique and incremental. “Listen up ladies!” Big Papa Bergoglio exclaimed, grounding the lay-broads in their tye-dye cat shirts and Teva sandals to a standstill. The silence was a pleasant change of pace. “I understand some of us here would like to have seen butch pastors be ordained and the blessing of fags yesterday but what we’re discussing here is more profound than what Jesus and the apostles ever taught - so deep, that everything must stay confidential, and be talked about in ambiguous goalpost-moving language.” the pontiff warned.
“Hey!” one of the nuns shouted. “We’re better Christians than Jesus, if the bigots in America don’t like it who cares?” One lay-broad chimed in, “Are you telling us what to do Pope Francis? I’m a strong independent woman and I’ll leak your completely benevolent plans all I want!” It turns out this spiritual gag order of sorts made the women want to talk even more than they’re already naturally inclined to do - and that’s already pretty high.
After this exchange, our reporter learned the newest head of the Vatican’s Dicastry of Cyber Security is a member of “Girls Who Code” and put all the top-secret transcripts and rosters on an AWS apache web server with no password. You can’t blame her for not expecting the women to immediately post about it on social media, citing the intricate process philosophy and justice dialogues they’re being told to have. Allegedly, it was reported that everyone and their mom archived the classified documents then memed about it on twitter. No one can say for sure what else these ladies are willing to give away.
In the end, yes, ancient relics are being destroyed and all hell is breaking loose in the middle east for the twelve hundredth time since 2003, but that’s a sign the Church is fulfilling her promises. As the bridegroom of Christ, and as an icon of Mary, she bestows clarity, peace, and order over the whole world by teaching reinterpretations of what Christ taught, chiefly being: “Love the sinner, tolerate the sin”. Let’s congratulate and applaud the activist cardinals, the strong independent lay-women, and the big guy himself: Bergoglio, for all the great work they’re accomplishing at this devil-may-care Soy-nod to Sin-odality.