Picture this: a passionate liberal, armed with a latte and a fierce determination to rectify the sins of the past, begrudgingly studies his state’s late stage capitalistic ongoing eligibility requirements for receiving unemployment benefits. He opens the calendar app on his MacBook Pro and books the dreadful interview, but is pleasantly surprised to be reminded today is indigenous peoples day.
After a long lurk session on r/history he encounters a deeply bigoted peon in need of education. This neo-Nazi wrote a post about keeping Columbus in the history books fallaciously mentioning something about “patriotism” and “Christian values”. Armed with a smartphone and an uncanny ability to find offense in the most unexpected places, our intrepid warrior unearths the shocking truth about Christopher Columbus.
Columbus, that so-called “explorer,” was nothing short of a genocidal maniac and a bumbling idiot, according to our enlightened liberal friend. How dare he set foot in the Americas without a degree in cultural sensitivity training? Clearly, his failure to respect indigenous traditions and his audacity to introduce foreign diseases were intentional acts of microaggression.
But wait, there’s more! Our valiant cultural Marxist, with a masterful stroke of revisionism, casts Columbus as the ultimate hypocrite. You see, while he may have admired Native Americans, adopting one as his son, he also had the audacity to participate in the same colonial practices that he supposedly detested. It’s almost as if Christians want to see their fellow pagan man find eternal life, make sacrifices on his behalf and pray he amends his sinful ways. Perish the thought!
And let’s not forget the liberal’s favorite pastime: taking historical figures out of context. Columbus, in his pursuit of establishing trade routes, surely had the time to lecture indigenous peoples on gender equality and environmental conservation. How dare he prioritize economic gain over woke enlightenment?
Our intrepid liberal, with a tear in their eye and a hashtag at the ready, laments the fact that Columbus didn’t have the foresight to predict the societal norms of the 21st century. If only he had been anti-white enough to anticipate our enlightened sensibilities, perhaps he could have avoided the ire of social justice warriors everywhere.
In the end, dear readers, let us applaud our brave liberal friend for their noble quest to rewrite history according to the ever-shifting standards of contemporary morality. After all, why bother with pesky facts and context when you can indulge in the blissful ignorance of moral superiority? Here’s to you, dear liberal, for reminding us all that judging the past is so much easier than understanding it!